I remember somewhere in my early forties realizing I had accomplished my dreams. I'd graduated from college, gone to Divinity School, gotten married, been ordained, lived overseas, learned foreign languages, had adventures, birthed three children and enjoyed the deeply satisfying and chaotic pleasure of creating a family.
At forty-three, I wondered, "Now what?"
What were my dreams for the second half of my life? What were my goals? How would I challenge myself?
I discovered that I had dreamed really well for the first half of my life, but looking forward to the rest of my life was a blank canvas. I suspect there will be great joy in celebrating my children's accomplishments. And I am glad to be part of a family. But I don't want to just watch other people, even my children and grandchildren, live life. I want to live mine, too. Without a destination in mind, I can't arrive. Without a plan, I'll be on maintenance. And maintenance living seems a great pale wasteland.
I might live 40 more years. At the end of that time, I would like to have accomplished more. I'd like to have more adventures. I'd like to believe that big dreams are still possible to achieve.
What do I really want from this next phase of life? More than a bucket list of events, who do I want to become?
I want to be married to Frank and I want to fall in love with him in whole new ways.
I want to learn new things. I'd like to learn how to do bicycle repair work. I'd like to learn another way to make a living. I want to go deeper and further in my spiritual life than christian orthodoxy embraces. I want to drink coffee in more of the world's cafes. I want to be surrounded by beauty and create meals that nourish people body, soul and mind. I want to laugh more. I want to have a clean house. I want to spend more time listening to an ocean keep its beat and smell the salt in the air. I want to collect camping equipment and hiking boots and head into the woods. I want to be fit, flexible and strong.
I want the rest of my years to be as packed with challenge, growth and fulfillment as the first 51.
People have often asked me how I was able to: live in Germany, travel solo in Israel, Cyprus and Greece, live in Russia, take my children on a year-long RV trip through the US, work and raise a family. While the dreaming and the planning for each was different, and having Frank along for the ride expanded the possibilities and the joy, the execution happened for one reason: I just did it.
Instead of telling myself why I/we couldn't, shouldn't or mustn't, we behaved as if we should, could and must. We emphatically told people of our plans. We put our dreams into words and by saying it outloud started to make it true. Then, we just did it.
Phase Two has commenced. Plan B is underway. Time is on the fly. The wheels are rolling. There are plans to be made, classes to take, dreams to envision, people to tell.
And then as before, whether we are young, like now, or older, we will just do it.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Excellent thinking and writing. You've successfuly navigated "generativity v stagnation" and are on the cusp of a new wave. I recall what a relief it was when I was no longer "a promising young man," since no one had ever told me what the promises were.
ReplyDeleteJohn Robert: it is a relief. I'd not thought of it in terms of promises, either kept or unkept, but this moment feels like standing on the cusp. Is it mid-life crisis or mid-life regeneration? (some would point out that I am well past "mid-life" anything, unless I'm planning on living in this skin til its 102 years old.) Maybe it is just that having more kids out of the house than in it gives me more moments of quiet and reflection than I've had in years.
ReplyDeleteEither way, the future looks bright, but I think there will need to be a painful birthing moment to get me from inside the comfort of this life's womb into the new place where the lights are bright and I've got to breathe on my own.
The depth and breadth of the Christian story continues to amaze with how perceptively tuned into the human psyche and life journey it is. Over and over again the metaphors speak to me. Abraham's release of what was in order to embrace what was to come? Been there, and done that. Wrestling with God? Doing it now. Have done it before. And, yes, it leaves me limping. Startling announcement that I have been chosen and new life dwells in me, like Gabriel and Mary? Love it.
It almost breaks my heart to have the biblical stories tied down to literal meanings when their potential to transform us lies in their unending ability to be our story...to speak to our truth.
Maybe I should quite commenting and start another post....
anyway, thanks for reading and thanks for commenting. Was glad to read you had a good time at the WF party. That was quite a crowd of creativity that gathered. It's been great to watch Jennie grow the ministry so effectively!