Coming Out

Mondays are my trip down memory lane.  I shuffle through my memory's snapshots and look for one that is especially clear.

To set the stage for today's post, I need to tell you about two things that have happened recently.

First, I had the privilege of receiving the gift of a confidence regarding a friend's sexual orientation.  (Clearly, if it is a confidence, they are gay.  Otherwise, they'd have no hesitation in telling me they are heterosexual, right?  Straight is easy.  Gay is complicated.)  Second, I just found and friended Wes Brown on facebook.  I know Wes from my time at Duke Divinity School.

Which led me to rummage around in my mind's Div School memory box.  Rummaging unearthed this memory:

I was sitting on the steps of Duke Chapel with a woman I had recently met and with whom I shared an immediate and vibrant connection.  A rare moment of deep kinship.  As part of our deepening trust and vulnerability, Beth shared with me that she was a lesbian.  I was very young.  The sun was very bright.  The look on her face was hard to read.  I was unprepared.


As gently as I could, and with the utmost compassion, I told her I was deeply opposed to her sexual orientation.  I know now there is no way to be gentle and compassionate when telling a person that at their core there is something wrong with them.  As a "good" Christian I felt obligated to encourage her in the direction of heterosexuality.  Or celibacy.  We agreed to disagree.

Looking back, I am surprised she remained friends with me.  But she did.  Our friendship flourished. When I moved to Germany, she was a faithful correspondent. On the night before my wedding, it was Beth with whom I wanted to spend time.  At my wedding, she read Scripture.    When I had my first child, I wanted Beth to meet her. And yet, I was always slightly uncomfortable with her sexuality. I never doubted her faith.

It has been a long journey for me and I have probably hurt many people along the way.  Most notably, Beth.  But with age comes wisdom.

If I could sit on that sunny step again, I would say to Beth what I said to my young, ashamed, hurting friend last week. 

Your gayness does not separate you from God.  You are beloved of God, just as you are.  Frankly, I don't think God is all that worked up over sexuality.  I think God is deeply concerned about covenant and relationship.  So, find a true love and live in fidelity and wholesomeness. (btw, good luck with that...do not, I repeat, do NOT use heterosexuals as a model of covenantal love and fidelity. They haven't done a very good job of showing us how that works.  But God has.)  Be at peace.


I was unable to say those words to Beth when we were young and I was a "good" Christian. Thankfully, she never abandoned the friendship.

I am no longer young and I'm not particularly good.  But, I am still a committed follower of Jesus Christ.  And I am convinced that homosexuality does not grieve the heart of God.  At all. 

Consider me out.